Beginnings

Beginnings always seem so daunting-
they are like that you know...
tantalizing and teasing-
pulling me in,
seducing me with
the dreams ...
the expectations ...
the possibilities ...
goading me to take that first step
sometimes whether I am ready to
or not.
But...
What if I can't do it?
What if I fail?
How do I deal with the uncertainty
of not knowing how this beginning will end?
Is there a do-over if this doesn't work?
But- wait-
What if the beginning ends?
(they always do)
Then what?
I will have already surrendered myself to this
beginning-
made that choice (but sometimes it's not a choice, is it?)
to start something new~
I need to remember
that every beginning offers a chance
for growth and change
to let go
let be
and just begin (feet first)
but regardless of what happens
I need to believe
that I'm right where I am supposed to be-
beginning....



What if my alarm doesn't go off and I'm late?
What if I didn't get as much work done as I was supposed to?
What if they don't like me?
What if I don't like them?
What if they laugh at me?
What if it looks like I don't know what I'm doing?
What if I make a mistake?
What if they think I dress weirdly?
What if they don't listen to me?
What if I am not important enough to them?

"Every beginning is some other beginning's end". Just yesterday it was the beginning of summer and today marks the beginning of the last week before the school year starts. You just can't run from beginnings, can you? There's always a new one somewhere. The beginning of a school year is wrought with anxiety not only on the part of some of the kids but on the part of the teachers too. We always have those "back to school dreams"- mine started in July, focusing on one catastrophe after another with the theme being loss of control. Lovely. Anyway- summer is ending, a new year is beginning- as it always does- and after 26 1/2 years teaching, I still get nervous and can't/won't sleep the first few nights of school. Monday will be the day to go in and organize my room and look for everything I crammed away last June. Maybe the "Room Fairies" will have visited and I will walk into organization- right- definitely not in my realm of possibilities. My reality will be boxes everywhere, furniture everywhere, no clue to where anything was shoved, and the air conditioner and pop machine not working. Here's to Beginnings...